Women immerse themselves in their romantic relationships, while men place their romantic partners on an equal but distant footing, according to research from Oxford University.
The study shows that, generally, women are more invested in their relationships than men and that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships.
Is this a surprise to you? It’s not a surprise to me.
After all, who’s usually the one who recognizes when things in the relationship aren’t
working too well? The woman. Who is it that typically seeks
professional help for the relationship? The woman. Who is it that mostly
spends time reading self-help books and going to seminars about
relationships? The woman. But why is it this way?
Women
are biologically wired as the nurturers. They’re the ones with the
skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, take care of nurturing
the relationship and do the problem solving when things have gone awry.
Men are more biologically wired as the providers and protectors. It’s
not that the relationship isn’t important to them; it’s just that they
show it in different ways — by working hard, establishing a career, and
maintaining an emotional distance.
You may ask yourself, “How can I change him? How can I make him more involved in this relationship?” I say, you shouldn’t — so don’t even try.
The simple fact is that men and women are different.
They tend to have different benefits in relationships but they are both interested in intimacy.
Young adult women tend to focus mostly on their need for connection.
This manifests in having children, creating homes, and nurturing their
intimate relationships. That’s not to say women don’t have careers. They
do but most prioritize these connecting activities.
This
dynamic tends to shift in middle age as children leave home. Women
believe they’ve invested and sacrificed for their family and now it’s
their turn. They go back to school, change careers or develop their own
businesses. At this same stage of life, men tend to realize their
children are gone and they missed a lot. They’re tired of the rat race
and feel ready for connection. So, in a lot of ways, men and women flip
roles.
These differences make relationships interesting.
Imagine if both of you focused on connection at the same time. You’d
feel blissfully happy with each other … but nothing would get done.
Similarly, if you are both primarily focused on significance, then you’d
have financial success … but have little in the way of intimacy.
Recognize the differences. Embrace the differences. And appreciate what you both bring to your relationship (and
don’t forget to tell each other of your appreciation). Allowing each
person to embrace who they are and celebrating that will do the best
job to increase the intimacy in your relationships.
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