By: Megan Fitzpatrick
When a teen asks me "how far is too far," I tell them purity is not about how far can you go but how high can you aim. Better questions to ask are: how much can we glorify God in this relationship? How can we lead one another to holiness? What is purity and how pure can we be? How can we love one another with Christ's love?Any romantic relationship that isn't searching to answer these better questions is going to have a really hard time being chaste. Once my boyfriend, Jake, and I started discussing the value of purity in our relationship and very intentionally began turning our relationship to God, the "how far is too far" question shifted from what is and is not sinful to “How can I respect and honor you as totally belonging to God and how can I help you be holy?”
I found in my search to answer my teens’ question of “how far is too far?” that they like concrete rules to understand virtues. Naturally, we like our actions to define our hearts. However, we can’t just equip independent minds with a structure of rules. Rather, we have to guide them in their relationship with Christ and in a pursuit of truth and love.
I address the question of purity in romantic relationships with my students not to say how far they can go in order to be morally safe, but to encourage them to focus on one another's ultimate purpose and calling – to be holy, to one day be with God in Heaven. The question will then (hopefully) become “What are we doing that is drawing us away from Christ-like virtue? And what are we doing that is appropriate in the face of God and leading us toward God?”
We all know practicing chastity is difficult. Teens need to be understood in their struggle. We often hear, "Well we were just kissing and then that led to more and then and then..."
I challenge my teens to reflect in their hearts and in their relationship where they cannot go without getting ready for sex and remind them that the Holy Spirit gives them the power of self-control.
Personally, I’ve found it helpful to avoid actions that would be equivalent to touching fire to see if it’s hot – an unnecessary risk. I also encourage them to sacrifice their desires for the sake of their purity and the purity of their boyfriend or girlfriend because that is true love: willing the will of God for that person.
Purity is not relative. I encourage my teens to not see it as such and challenge them to recognize the dignity that sex has in a marriage (and its corresponding misplacement outside of a marriage). I teach them that true love will love one another in such a way that makes you pure of heart and body.
As youth ministers, we’ll always come across teens who have pushed the envelope too far or crossed the line and had sex outside of marriage. In these cases our teens need to be encouraged to seek the grace, forgiveness and healing that the Lord longs to give them. Teens always need to be reminded they were made for more than their mistakes, that they are infinitely loved by God and that they must never cease seeking His everlasting love, compassion and mercy.
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